There is, not a fine line, but a broad grey area between being "psychic" and being "mad". But there is a distinction... one can gravitate to either end of the spectrum. That is what scares me the most.
It happened again last night.
I tend to sleep with one ear open. I think I have developed this as a survival instinct because I am a single female living on my own. I will hear a noise in the house and surface out of my subconscious state just long enough to determine its source, register it as normal feline activity, and fall easily back to sleep.
It was about 1:30 in the morning. I had been asleep for over an hour. It was probably just one of the cats, maybe even the little black and white boy kitty that likes to sneak into the house when I leave the back door slightly open. But when I heard the noise I went into alert mode... regaining full consciousness to listen for a possible intruder.
My eyes flew open. And there it was, in the dark, hovering above me. Barely visible, as if it were merely a trick of the eyes. Kind of like the colored spots that briefly obscure my vision after looking into bright light. But optical illusions of that nature don't trigger my depth perception. And sensing something that close to my face isn't just a visual thing... I can feel its proximity.
This time it looked like a gauzy net descending over me. It was very dim, like dusty old cobwebs in the dark. It moved like a feather-light silk scarf, billowing slightly as it settled over me. It flickered slightly, like an old movie projection.
I instinctively moved to protect myself, lifting my hand to push this thing away before it fell onto my face. But there was nothing physically there. I stared up at it, unblinking and pulse racing, realizing that it was IT and trying to consciously determine what IT was until it dissipated seconds later.
These incidents come and go, but it had been at least six weeks since I had been startled out of my sleep. A fairly long period of respite. I still had some intensely fucked up "dreams" during this time, but that is an entirely different subject.
The visual manifestations are fairly recent and, frankly, less alarming than previous occurrences. It started with loud sounds and voices.
I was 18, visiting my Dad's family in Nevada. I was familiar with the house, having lived there for a couple of years as a kid. It was an unimpressive adobe structure on a few dry acres out in the country. But the place had some historical significance. I don't know if the story has ever been confirmed, but it was rumoured that the Native American family that originally built the house had sheltered Babyface Nelson for a summer, and that there was gold hidden somewhere on the property.
I was taking a nap upstairs in the room that had once been mine. It was a bright summer day. Suddenly I heard a loud gunshot. So loud that it could have been fired right next to my head. But the sound came from inside my head.
I was more curious than scared. Even though I had never had any personal paranormal experiences there before, I knew that the place was haunted. My Dad often spoke about hearing a woman singing when he was a kid. My little sister would get scared at night, claiming that she saw things. And that is where my mother's night terrors began.
I've had similar experiences from time to time throughout my life. But it is different now. It really started a couple of years ago. On an almost nightly basis I was being startled awake by a very loud sound. It was usually a voice, sharp, alarming, male. It was so loud that it seemed like someone was shouting directly into my ear, and yet its source seemed to be resonating from inside my head. Like a telepathic communication. Hearing without ears.
The sounds have changed somewhat since it first started. Diversified. Sometimes it is the voice, usually male. I don't know what it is saying. There is a word, one or two syllables, but I either can't make it out or I forget it in my moment of panic. The word is unimportant. The tone is unforgettable. Loud, sharp, threatening. I will awaken with my heart pounding, so terrified, questioning my sanity.
Sometimes it sounds like a loud electrical shock. Like something is seriously damaging the synapses in my brain. I wonder if it is similar to experiencing Electro-convulsive Therapy. Or having a mini seizure or stroke. I don't know, but I don't like it.
Sometimes it is anti-sound. There is always some kind of internal background noise as I fall into dream-state. There are thoughts and conversations echoing in the distance, and those persistent songs that remain stuck in my head even as I sleep. Then it suddenly goes dead quiet. I wake up on high alert.
I now experience the visions more often than the sounds. Usually it is a barely visible amorphous shape. I have had multi-coloured shimmering orbs flying straight at my head. Something crawling across my pillow. A dim gauzelike jellyfish shaped object hovering a couple of feet over me. And the human-like figure, either standing next to my bed, on one side or the other, or sometimes with its face inches from mine.
WHY are they always in my face or right next to my head?!?!
Sometimes the sounds and visions work in tandem. I will be startled awake by a noise or anti-sound and open my eyes to a floating thing.
These hauntings, if that is what this is, comes in two types. There are floaties, amorphous objects or seemingly primordial organisms (like the jellyfish.) They are impersonal. And then there is what seems to be an honest-to-god ghost... sentient, human-like and determined to get my attention.
It usually presents as being male. He first manifested as just the loud threatening voice. Some time later he showed himself as a shadowy looming figure or as a face hovering inches from my own. He has tamed quite a bit lately, thankfully. A few months ago he started talking softly, lovingly, in my ear. That is why I now refer to him as my "Invisible Boyfriend". The last time I saw him I was startled awake by the anti-sound. I caught a glimpse of him standing at the side of my bed dancing to the music that had been playing in my head.
As I write this, these occurrences seem to be legitimate paranormal activity. But in the moment I always question it. As scary as it is to be awoken by the unknown, it is slightly more comforting to think of it as a haunting or a sensitivity to what is usually not perceived.
The alternative to this theory is what truly worries me. I have struggled with mental illness since I was a teenager. I have bipolar disorder, and it has only been within the past 5 years that I have been able to manage it. I am on medication and I get regular counseling, but more importantly, I know how this disorder manifests in my life. I am familiar with the routine ups and downs and eccentricities and practical limitations.
What if my experiences are a product of my own diseased brain instead of a perception of something outside of myself? FUCK!!! I don't want to be that kind of crazy. That scares the shit out of me. And I ask that question every single time this happens.
I know that I fall into the grey area between "psychic" and "crazy". Each can have their advantages and curses. But I don't want to be any more "crazy" than I already am. I don't want to be overwhelmed by my own delusions, and I especially don't want to live in fear.
I hate this.
~
It happened again last night.
I tend to sleep with one ear open. I think I have developed this as a survival instinct because I am a single female living on my own. I will hear a noise in the house and surface out of my subconscious state just long enough to determine its source, register it as normal feline activity, and fall easily back to sleep.
It was about 1:30 in the morning. I had been asleep for over an hour. It was probably just one of the cats, maybe even the little black and white boy kitty that likes to sneak into the house when I leave the back door slightly open. But when I heard the noise I went into alert mode... regaining full consciousness to listen for a possible intruder.
My eyes flew open. And there it was, in the dark, hovering above me. Barely visible, as if it were merely a trick of the eyes. Kind of like the colored spots that briefly obscure my vision after looking into bright light. But optical illusions of that nature don't trigger my depth perception. And sensing something that close to my face isn't just a visual thing... I can feel its proximity.
This time it looked like a gauzy net descending over me. It was very dim, like dusty old cobwebs in the dark. It moved like a feather-light silk scarf, billowing slightly as it settled over me. It flickered slightly, like an old movie projection.
I instinctively moved to protect myself, lifting my hand to push this thing away before it fell onto my face. But there was nothing physically there. I stared up at it, unblinking and pulse racing, realizing that it was IT and trying to consciously determine what IT was until it dissipated seconds later.
~
These incidents come and go, but it had been at least six weeks since I had been startled out of my sleep. A fairly long period of respite. I still had some intensely fucked up "dreams" during this time, but that is an entirely different subject.
The visual manifestations are fairly recent and, frankly, less alarming than previous occurrences. It started with loud sounds and voices.
~
I was 18, visiting my Dad's family in Nevada. I was familiar with the house, having lived there for a couple of years as a kid. It was an unimpressive adobe structure on a few dry acres out in the country. But the place had some historical significance. I don't know if the story has ever been confirmed, but it was rumoured that the Native American family that originally built the house had sheltered Babyface Nelson for a summer, and that there was gold hidden somewhere on the property.
I was taking a nap upstairs in the room that had once been mine. It was a bright summer day. Suddenly I heard a loud gunshot. So loud that it could have been fired right next to my head. But the sound came from inside my head.
I was more curious than scared. Even though I had never had any personal paranormal experiences there before, I knew that the place was haunted. My Dad often spoke about hearing a woman singing when he was a kid. My little sister would get scared at night, claiming that she saw things. And that is where my mother's night terrors began.
~
I've had similar experiences from time to time throughout my life. But it is different now. It really started a couple of years ago. On an almost nightly basis I was being startled awake by a very loud sound. It was usually a voice, sharp, alarming, male. It was so loud that it seemed like someone was shouting directly into my ear, and yet its source seemed to be resonating from inside my head. Like a telepathic communication. Hearing without ears.
The sounds have changed somewhat since it first started. Diversified. Sometimes it is the voice, usually male. I don't know what it is saying. There is a word, one or two syllables, but I either can't make it out or I forget it in my moment of panic. The word is unimportant. The tone is unforgettable. Loud, sharp, threatening. I will awaken with my heart pounding, so terrified, questioning my sanity.
Sometimes it sounds like a loud electrical shock. Like something is seriously damaging the synapses in my brain. I wonder if it is similar to experiencing Electro-convulsive Therapy. Or having a mini seizure or stroke. I don't know, but I don't like it.
Sometimes it is anti-sound. There is always some kind of internal background noise as I fall into dream-state. There are thoughts and conversations echoing in the distance, and those persistent songs that remain stuck in my head even as I sleep. Then it suddenly goes dead quiet. I wake up on high alert.
~
I now experience the visions more often than the sounds. Usually it is a barely visible amorphous shape. I have had multi-coloured shimmering orbs flying straight at my head. Something crawling across my pillow. A dim gauzelike jellyfish shaped object hovering a couple of feet over me. And the human-like figure, either standing next to my bed, on one side or the other, or sometimes with its face inches from mine.
WHY are they always in my face or right next to my head?!?!
Sometimes the sounds and visions work in tandem. I will be startled awake by a noise or anti-sound and open my eyes to a floating thing.
~
These hauntings, if that is what this is, comes in two types. There are floaties, amorphous objects or seemingly primordial organisms (like the jellyfish.) They are impersonal. And then there is what seems to be an honest-to-god ghost... sentient, human-like and determined to get my attention.
It usually presents as being male. He first manifested as just the loud threatening voice. Some time later he showed himself as a shadowy looming figure or as a face hovering inches from my own. He has tamed quite a bit lately, thankfully. A few months ago he started talking softly, lovingly, in my ear. That is why I now refer to him as my "Invisible Boyfriend". The last time I saw him I was startled awake by the anti-sound. I caught a glimpse of him standing at the side of my bed dancing to the music that had been playing in my head.
~
As I write this, these occurrences seem to be legitimate paranormal activity. But in the moment I always question it. As scary as it is to be awoken by the unknown, it is slightly more comforting to think of it as a haunting or a sensitivity to what is usually not perceived.
The alternative to this theory is what truly worries me. I have struggled with mental illness since I was a teenager. I have bipolar disorder, and it has only been within the past 5 years that I have been able to manage it. I am on medication and I get regular counseling, but more importantly, I know how this disorder manifests in my life. I am familiar with the routine ups and downs and eccentricities and practical limitations.
What if my experiences are a product of my own diseased brain instead of a perception of something outside of myself? FUCK!!! I don't want to be that kind of crazy. That scares the shit out of me. And I ask that question every single time this happens.
I know that I fall into the grey area between "psychic" and "crazy". Each can have their advantages and curses. But I don't want to be any more "crazy" than I already am. I don't want to be overwhelmed by my own delusions, and I especially don't want to live in fear.
I hate this.
3 comments:
May your mind and heart be comforted by Oriah Mountain Dreamer's poignant and beautiful words...
To accept
What is unacceptable
Because to fight with what is adds suffering to pain.
To be attentive
When the mind is clouded with exhaustion
So that opportunities to hold with tenderness are not missed.
To be with the anxiety that arises in muscle and bone
Not letting it drive action or paralyze
Allowing breath to create mercy around the anguish.
To take a break
When the fear-driven mind screams for constant vigilance
So the mind and heart and body can find respite and rejuvenation.
To receive the help offered
From others and from the Great Heart that holds us all
Letting gratitude temper grief,
fullness counter fear,
and compassion carry us all.
Hi Amber... for many years I would fall asleep only to be jolted awake 20 minutes later. Sometimes it felt like a loud scream, sometimes it felt like falling, sometimes it felt like a punch, sometimes it felt like a terrifying presence.
Breathing rapidly and feeling a little scared, I would breathe and fall back asleep. I could almost set my watch by it.
It doesn't happen anymore, though.
When we dream our body is sorting through and trying to build stories out of memories we have collected, to figure out which memories are important and which it can recycle into structures in which it can reuse for the memories for the next day. Memory recall is surprisingly similar to experiencing things the first time, although it is often tinged with more iconic emotion. All this is just how our brain works - learning to take ourselves, our thoughts and feelings, with a grain of salt at all times, has helped me to deal with these things... although they 'feel' real, I know them to be creations of my brain's subconscious processes. I keep part of myself aside to watch and to integrate all these pieces. This has helped me a lot!
I wish you positive outcomes for sharing your stories. Sharing them is part of validating all of who you are, even the uncertain parts, and integrating all of what you are into a whole. It also is good for your friends to know a little more about what's going on for you so they can listen and share more - it reduces isolation. I'm happy you shared this with us.
Hey,
I don't know where crazy starts and inspired begins, really. I try to temper everything with logic is all I can say. I don't think your crazy, just because you've had some problems. I know you're working hard to not let those get the better of you.
I mentioned to you before that I had had some similar experiences. Some were quite violent, and left me feeling very afraid. My personal belief is that some of these things come from with-in, but not all of them. In my case, I feel like that at one point in younger days, I opened a door(s) that left my spirit exposed to some not so nice things. I don't know what your case is. I think some times trauma can do the same thing, leaving you in a spiritually weakened state.
The thing that I found, was the best way to fight it was by not being afraid. Is there something you can do that will make you feel safer? I slept with a bible next to my bed. That's one thing that worked for me, not saying it would do the same for you. Maybe imagine a big dragon sleeping in your room? That has worked for me too.
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